When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” Luke 5:8 | NIV84

I no longer want the disappointment to hang over my head and neither do I want to avoid or deny the truth. It doesn’t make sense that I behave the way I do and I want to fully release my heart to You. The action of releasing is, in essence, submitting to You a part of me that I have withheld or kept hidden. I have no control over tomorrow and if I were completely honest, I’d admit, I have no real control over any part of my life, except, that is, the choice to submit my heart wholly to You. Not parts of my heart, but all of it.

Why is it that when I find myself laying bare before You with all my hidden deficiencies exposed, that I somehow find a way to scoop everything back up, and try to remain in a self-preserved position, while putting this weight right back upon my shoulders? Why is it so, Lord? How can it be I think that I can be who I can never possibly become? I am so very flawed in every recess of my soul, that is, if I admit the truth. I have even found myself seeking my self-worth in the eyes of a man, in hope that somehow I will have achieved the impossible, that somehow, I have become good enough. But when I face who I really am and stand before You, I see myself, my flaws, my hidden darkness and I am undone. I will never be good no matter how I dress-up my imperfections or no matter how I compare myself to others.

I am a poor soul, one who is not filled with love, or compassion, or even one who is kind enough to be anything in Your eyes. My darkness shames me, my weakness overwhelms me, and I am unable to lift my head. I keep myself bowed down before You, not because I am humbled, but because I am unworthy. The worldliness from within me screams that I must experience self-worth to become anything worthwhile… I must be beautiful, successful, and intelligent. But when I look at You, all of that disappears like the morning fog in the afternoon heat, and who I really am underneath becomes visible, and I see how poor my spirit really is. 

Have mercy upon me, Lord. Please forgive my hidden flaws and those that are blatantly exposed. Help me to allow You to mold me into what You desire of me and not what the world finds acceptable. Provide strength to my spirit to face the pain of being broken and the truth of who or what I really am, and fill me with Your presence to make the impossible a possibility… the salvation of my soul. I am whole-heartedly Yours, do with me as You will.

Physical life is so very short and not enough emphasis is placed on fine-tuning the soul for readiness, or for the great birth that happens after death. The wellbeing of the soul is the most important focus every one of us should pursue. Anything beyond that is meaningless. Absolutely meaningless.